You may kiss the bride
by classic anon
Summary: the Marquis has a senior moment, a bunch of crazy things happen, and something else... rated M for a reason. also beware as there may be some spoilers. will be mostly crack.
1. Prologue: Stupid Senile Marquis

**You may Kiss the Bride**

Pairing(s): Vaan/Penelo

Summary: Halim Ondore IV has a brief moment of senility, and then a whole bunch of crazy things happen. Rated M for a reason. Some spoilers featured.

Rating: M

_**Disclaimer:**_ I do NOT own Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy XII- Revenant Wings, or anything to do with the series. I merely borrow them and put them through this crap for the lulz.

_**Chapter one: Senile Old Marquis…**_

_ It is generally believed that the Marquis of Bhujerba has never had a "Senior Moment", but that is about to change… they all knew it was coming, but they hoped it would not. Then again… ever since those Aeolithes were destroyed, things had not been normal at all… unexpected things happened for quite some time after that. _

_ Senile Marquises can be quite a handful…_

Memoires of Emperor Larsa of Archades, chapter 17.

Vaan was sitting at a large banquet table, and his childhood friend, turned partner, now something much more, sat to his right. At first, he had absolutely no idea whatsoever as to why the two of them were even invited to Ondore's palace anyway… that is, until It was announced that it was to honor the two of them, plus the others that took out the one pulling the strings of the "Judge of Wings". _'that would also explain why the others are here…'_ Vaan thought. Sadly, as expected, something always went wrong during such things (look at the summary of the story if you haven't guessed what it was). Right as soon as everyone attending was only half-way through with their food, the Marquis suddenly stood up so abruptly, that it knocked over his chair. He turned to Vaan with a crazed look on his face and shouts "By the power vested in thee, I now pronounce you man and wife, YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE!", pointing at Penelo as the word "bride" left his lips. There was an air of stunned silence, and then, the first thoughts entered the minds of the following:

'_bloody wanker…'_ (Balthier)

'…_did my uncle just have a senior moment?'_ (Ashe)

'_I know a song that gets on every body's nerves, and this beats it.'_ (Kytes and Filo)

'_I knew it was coming, it happens eventually, but I didn't think that it would happen like this… their affection for one another is so strong I could smell it a mile away, but seriously, wtf?'_ (Fran)

As for everyone else, they could not think straight for the remainder of the evening, and did not notice Vaan and Penelo shrugging slightly and then sharing a quick kiss, but when they did manage to get their minds caught up with what had just transpired, their only thought was this: _'senile old Marquis…'_

I think it makes for a good prologue, but what do you, the readers, think? Flames will be shat upon, but constructive criticism will be immensely appreciated. Also, for thoe of you who have not played FF12: RW, or unlocked the secret ending, Vaan and Penelo do end up as a couple afterwards.


	2. Chapter 1: vaudeville meets Ba' Gamnan

~a/n~

Needed some time off, but I'm back…for now. Here's to 2012, the year when the world is (supposedly) going to end. Also, it's hard to find any wacky ideas. And for those who couldn't guess it from the prologue, this fic is mostly crack with a hint of serious and a dash of affection.

Why it's so hard for today's readers to recognize a crackfic these days, I will never know…

_**Disclaimer:**_ I own nothing but the plot. Also, no Ba' Gamnans were harmed during the making of this chapter.

~end of a/n~

_Our new "couple" have decided that perhaps the incident in Bhujerba was a bit awkward, so they decide to sneak out of town before the awkwardness increased any further. While they did manage to escape further awkwardness in the sky city, word of the incident, despite efforts to prevent it, has spread great distances already._

_Those wankers in security really need to learn to keep better tabs on the happenings surrounding the areas they patrol…_

_ -Memoires of Emperor Larsa of Archades_

_ Chapter 20: 18_

"Hey, Vaan!" Vaan Ratsbane sat bolt upright in the cockpit of the airship that they were using, which was the same one as their last adventure. "Yes,_ dear?_" he responded, adding a sneer to that last word, that seignior moment the Marquis had still made things a bit awkward around others, but to the two of them, Vaan and Penelo started using it as a joke of sorts. "We STILL have yet to 'drop off' our 'passenger'. Perhaps we should take care of that." Penelo said, entering the cabin. "That… would probably be a good idea… but we have yet to learn as to his 'destination.'" The "guest" they speak of is Ba' Gamnan. The very same one that stowed away on their ship early in the last adventure. By now, he should have learned NOT to mess with the "Great Sky Pirate Vaan Ratsbane", but this is Ba' Gamnan, the most obsessive and ruthless Bangaa headhunter ever to sully the face of Ivalice. The day he gives up a bounty is the day sand replaces Gil as the currency of the world. Both will never happen.

"I know that, but we need to drop him off _somewhere_! Listening to him griping all day is starting to get old." Vaan looked at the cockpit entrance, paused for a moment, and nodded in agreement. Then, he did something that would shock most people who actually knew him. He thought things through, and quite thoroughly, I might add. And then, an idea popped into his head, as though a light bulb had just bin activated.

"Hey, Penelo, we left him in the cargo hold, right?" Vaan asked. And Penelo responded: "Yes. And I also made sure the supplies were thoroughly secured, and with him on the other end of the room, still bound. But why do you ask?"

"You'll see quite soon, m' lady." Vaan answered. He then moved his hand, and pressed the button that activated the intercom. "Oi, swinebreath! You can swim, right?" it suddenly clicked in Penelo's mind just what Vaan was going to do, and it made more sense than what she had in mind. "OF COURSE I CAN SWIM! AND WHEN THESE ROPES ARE DEALT WITH, YOU WILL STOP WITH THE USELESS QUESTIONS.!" A voice boomed from the underbelly of the ship. "then enjoy a nice dip in the ocean, headhunter! Vaan pressed another button, and a roaring sound was heard as the door to the ship's cargo hold suddenly opened, and two pairs of eyes turned to the monitor showing the room that is now no longer the temporary prison of Ba' Gamnon, but a soon to be deathtrap. Somehow the Bangaa managed to get on his feet and is trying to run _away_ from the opening, only for his foot to land on a banana peel, causing him to slip, land on his side and roll out of the ship screaming like a little girl.

We now go to the outside of the ship, which is over a vast sea. There is a splash, and then a Bangaa is seen braking the surface, gasping for air. He looks up, seeing his targets fading into the distance, the cargo door already shut. Looking around, he picks a direction, hoping it would lead him to land. Then, using his legs and tail, starts to swim.

Back with our favorite duo, we find them laughing hysterically, the ship now on autopilot so as to avoid a crash, the both of them on the floor. After a few minutes, they manage to calm down. "did you see the look on his face when the door opened?" Vaan asked, grinning like a madman. "yup! And when he slipped on the banana peel? That look was priceless!" replied Penelo, who was wearing a grin of equivalent proportion. Suddenly, the air got a bit more dense as they remembered their situation. "Perhaps it would be a good idea to visit Old Dalan. He's always willing to help us out…and Migello too. I still find it hard to believe that he was a privateer for the Dalmascan Army." Vaan said, with a bit of awkwardness starting to seep into his voice. Penelo nodded in agreement, just as Vaan had done a few minutes earlier. So, they deactivated the Autopilot, and turned northeast from their current position, towards the Royal City of Rabanastre…

~a/n~

Sorry if this chapter is a bit short, but I've been having some problems lately, and I finally had the inspiration for a new chapter, only for it to run out where it did. Writer's block can be a serious pain in the arse. And yes, I will be continuing this, if the posting of this chappy was any indication.

~end of a/n~


	3. visiting Old Dalan

~a/n~

May the will of the great Aleister Crowley be realized.

_**Disclaimer:**_ I own only the plot. All else belongs to square enix.

~end of a/n~

_Our adventurers had no problem getting to the city, though they were a bit perplexed as _

_ why random soldiers were saluting them and civilians kept getting out of their way, until they remembered the whole business with the monoliths. _

_ Saving the world did have its effect on society, after all. But, that is not what happened._

_ I absolutely hate that guy on the street (1)…_

_ -Memoires of Emperor Larsa of Archades, 23: 19_

Lowtown was not a place one would expect to find someone who had saved the world twice in a row… let alone two of them. But these two lived there for quite some time, and yet both Vaan and Penelo still had the problem of random passers-by figuring out who they are, getting out of their way, and if not that, giving Vaan a pat on the back and congratulating them both. When they finally made it to Old Dalan's, their confusion had not only returned, but had tripled. Vaan opened the door, the two of them walked in, and…

"well if it isn't Vaan Ratsbane, and I see you brought your wife!" Vaan and Penelo both noticeably cringed. "so…you heard about that?" Vaan replied. While Old Dalan was old (as his name suggests), and older than Ondore at that, he was not yet senile. Perhaps it has something to do with elevation? "of course, child. Who hasn't heard about the senior moment my old friend Halim had? Wise I may not be, but well informed and connected I…wait isn't that the same question you asked me before your first adventure began?"

Vaan's cringe turned to a look of nostalgia upon the question. "yeah…I guess it was…good times…good times…anyway, down to business…" he said. "Vaan and I have been thinking…" Penelo began. "since Penelo and I have been going out quite some time prior to the 'incident'…" Vaan continued. "and we don't want to 'tarnish' Ondore's name more than it's already been…" Penelo continued. "the both of you want to make it official." Dalan finished their idea for them. Vaan and Penelo jumped in surprise at how the old coot managed to figure out what it was they were trying to say, followed by their faces turning a shade of red that would beat that of a certain mega-shy ninja.

(somewhere in another universe altogether)

Hinata Hyuuga: ACHOO!

(back with us)

Old Dalan started laughing at their startled behavior. "Vaan, my boy, you're like a son to me. I can read ya more easily than a book left open on the table. Don't worry, I will most certainly find you a minister worthy of Vaan and Penelo Ratsbane!" he said, then started to once again chuckle. "by the way, you should pay Megello a quick visit. That old privateer owes me 1000 gil (2)." Vaan and Penelo suddenly had one of the most shocked expressions one could ever find on a pair of youths entering their early twenties. Not just at Old Dalan having an out-of-character moment, but also (and more heavily on) Megello's former job status.

"MEGELLO, THE SHOPKEEPER WAS A PRIVATEER!" both Vaan and Penelo's shocked voices could be heard all the way from the upper city, though not clearly. Old Dalan, however, seemed unaffected by the loudness of their shout. Instead, he took his own hand, stuck a finger in his ear, twisted once, pulled it out, and mumbled something about how loud young people could be and why he did not see this coming as he got older… he looked up, only to see that the two that caused the loudness had already left, some paper and dust made airborne from the speed of their departure…his confusion was replaced with a combination of nostalgia and a VERY small amount of envy. "aahh to be young again…" he sighed out as he went back to petting his hare…

~a/n~

Well…I have had my fair share of problems lately…such as lack of an internet connection during the time this was written, and also, weird things happen all the time.

This is a reference to "the grand list of role-playing game clichés". This particular one states that no matter how fast you travel, news/rumors of your exploits ALWAYS travels faster, even if there were no witnesses to tell of it.

This one is a reference to a title you get in the "Sky Pirate's Den" in the Clan Primer that you get early in Final Fantasy XII, as the title that Megello was labled as was "Privateer".

~end of a/n~


End file.
